I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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