I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
