hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
