6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
