Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
