Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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