textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
