He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
