Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
