i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
