Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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