this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
