all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
