Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
