i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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