A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
