Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
