Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
