I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
