Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
