I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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