I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
