You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
