you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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