I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
