walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
