I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize