She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
