good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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