I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
