that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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