apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
