I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
