Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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