he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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