Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
