i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
