I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
