I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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