i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
