btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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