Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
