Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
