Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
