So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My ATM looks so different sober.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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