I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
