I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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