So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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