I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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