there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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