I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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