Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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