he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
