I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
