how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i love accidental penises.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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