So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
