I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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