I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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