the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
