the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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